Recovering from Bulimia

I have been anorexic/bulimic for eight years. Before I describe my experiences, I need to clarify that contrary to what one may assume, the last 8 years have not been completely awful. I’ve had some amazing moments of complete joy and some profound experiences. For me to ignore the beauty of my life would make me extremely ungrateful for all that I have today: a family who loves me, a fiance who showers me with love, a job, and an emerging career as a fine artist.
There is one problem with my life that might seem hopelessly romantic to the outsider; that is, I’m leading a double life and I have been since I was a teenager. With the public, I am a happy-go-lucky, strong, opinionated very quirky 23 year old woman who doesn’t let anything get to her. I get home from work or school and the self deprecation begins. I’ll find myself in front of the mirror scrutinizing parts of my body that I’ve come to detest, and feeling completely isolated from the entire world.

I do what any bulimic will do when they get upset. I eat.

And when I use the word eat, it’s really a euphemism for completely gorging on whatever’s available, whether it be breakfast cereals, or double cheeseburgers, or top ramen (when money’s tight), boxes of cookies, filet mignon, caviar. Whatever. The food itself isn’t the point, it’s the physical act of emotionally stuffing, what therapists will refer to as “stuffing your pain”.

Before, I continue, I better describe the nature of bulimia nervosa.**

Webster’s dictionary defines bumilia as “1 : an abnormal and constant craving for food 2 : a serious eating disorder that occurs chiefly in females, is characterized by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting or laxative or diuretic abuse, and is often accompanied by guilt and depression”

I’m surprised. That is actually a pretty good definition, but the problems behind it are a lot more elaborate. Because I like to be educated about my condition, I’ve read a lot of books about the complexities about it’s origins and causes. In addition, I’ve spent 4 weeks in a psych ward being poked, prodded, and analyzed by doctors, psychologists, counselors, and therapists and have spent even more time talking with sponsors, dieticians and therapists about being bulimic.

I have two different theories about the causes of bulimia. One is one that no one will want to hear because it is an indictment on the society that we live in, and I don’t want to become the Michael Moore of eating disorders. Most people believe that eating disorders are caused by young girls looking at fashion magazines and movie stars and pop singers and wondering “why don’t I look like that?” This is only partially true. Girls who have eating disorders do in fact peruse magazines, comparing themselves to the women in the articles. The problem with this is that our lifestyles are completely opposed to looking that way. When you look everywhere else in the media, you are inundated with images that encourage you to consume and to overconsume. But whether you are buying clothes that you don’t need and may never wear or buying food that you are just going to throw up, you’ll still find yourself unassuaged at the end of the day.

**SIDE NOTE: I know that I said I was anorexic in the first few paragraphs of my blog. That was a lie. When I feel like sharing with someone that I have an eating disorder (which, believe me, is once in a very blue moon) I usually tell them that I’m anorexic because starving yourself to lose weight makes a lot more sense to people that stuffing your face and then throwing it all up. But, because I’m going to try to be completely honest in this blog, I’ll admit, it’s about bulimia.

So, being the out of control bulimic that I am, I’ve decided that enough is enough and that it is time to get my ass into a recovery program for real. I’ve squandered too much time and money on this disease and I’m discovering, yet again, that I can not do it alone.

However, thanks to our system, I don’t have health insurance so going to a hospital into a program or seeing a therapist or a nutritionist is just not going to cut it. What I’ll have to do is go to…(cue scary music)…the program. Yes, the twelve step program where the first thing you have to do is admit that you are addicted to food in front of a room of 30 people.

It’s really terrible, and it starts in less than an hour. Wish me luck.

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